Brain Drippings (Blog)

July 11, 2026

I've been heavily planning for my trip to Europe this last week, meaning it's begun to feel real instead of some far-off thing that I am supposedly going to do. And I am feeling that curious emotion that seems to be both nervousness and excitement. I think that these aren't actually two different feelings — at least for me, they're the same physical sensation, but viewed as a good or a bad thing depending on the mindset of the experiencer and the perceived nature of the object of nervousxcitement. (A good thing, or a scary, dreaded thing?)

I can be just nervous about something I'm dreading, but true excitement is always accompanied by nervousness for me. It's not straightforwardly a good or bad thing. It's more like a constant balancing act of psychic energy levels. I crave excitement, as it makes life feel more interesting and special. Comfort bores me and I end up feeling unfulfilled and antsy if I don't have regular sources of excitement. But it's also unpleasant to feel on edge all the time, as I do when I'm looking forward to something. When I'm really nervousxcited, I find it difficult to ever relax, and frequently experience bouts of insomnia. But, on the other hand, without a source of nervousxcitement, I become too relaxed, and it becomes difficult to motivate myself or generate energy, which plunges me into depression and is equally if not more unpleasant than the frantic energy of nervousxcitement. What can I do except attempt to ride the waves and balance between the two extremes as gracefully as possible?

I like to think of myself as a levelheaded and rational person, which means that I know there's never anything to actually worry about — and even if there was, worrying wouldn't help anything. Knowing this has given me the ability to make myself do things without anxiety holding me back, like going on a six-week solo backpacking trip to Europe. But knowing it's irrational doesn't actually prevent me from feeling the physical sensation of nervousxcitement and the patterns of rumination and thought racing that come with it.

Unknowns, in general, are the largest source of nervousxcitement. I'm pretty much as prepared as I can be at this point, but there are still a lot of inevitable unknowns. It's impossible to predict what hitchhiking will be like, or who I will meet at the hostels where I'm staying, or whether I'll even be able to get a good night's sleep or if snorers and partiers will keep me up all night. Will I be able to shower and do my morning routine in dignity, or will the facilities be disgusting and overcrowded?

I really want to do fun activities during the day, but also check out nightlife and go out drinking at night, and I hope that I can meet people who are interested in doing both with me, because going to bars and clubs alone REALLY does not appeal to me. I consider myself a decently outgoing and sociable person, but I guess it's more a learned than a natural trait, and that is still one area which is firmly outside my comfort zone. Give me one buddy, and I'm fine! I'll talk to strangers and whatever. It's just the idea of walking into a place alone, with no "backup," that still churns my stomach. I don't think this is that unusual though, right? Most people just have less desire for excitement, or their level of desire matches their level of comfort with seeking out that excitement, so they're not as cognizant of or bothered by the discrepancy as I am.

I leave TOMORROW at 7pm. First stop: Reykjavik. The flight is 7 hours long, but because of the time difference arrives at 9:40am. I didn't plan for this to be one of my destinations, but I found a flight to Dublin with a 24-hour layover there, so I'm counting it as a little bonus. I've quickly discovered that everything in Iceland is extremely expensive, so it would be basically impossible to travel there cheaply. To see any of the famous nature outside Reykjavik, you have to either rent a car or pay for expensive bus tours. Not my M.O. right now, so properly seeing Iceland will have to wait for one day when I have lots of income to spend on a real sight-seeing vacation. Hotels and food are also incredibly expensive there. Apparently you can expect to pay no less than $40 or $50 for a meal! Even the hostel is one of the most expensive I've booked ($56 a night, and that's for the one outside the city center). But hey, it'll be cool just to wander around the city center, browse expensive merchandise, and buy snacks at the grocery store. Apparently the view from the shoreline is also pretty picturesque.

Here's the main thing I'm excited about: the crazy celestial pattern! Okay, so it's not quite the midnight sun — the sun does set for about 4 hours between 11:30 and 3:30 am, but apparently because the angle of its path is so horizontal near the horizon (as you can imagine, it's like a circle around the sky that just dips below the horizon at one point) that the "night" never really gets dark. I'm planning to stay up till the wee hours of the morning just to experience it staying light out through the middle of the night. I'm a big fan of trippy, surreal experiences. Seriously, if I could spend an entire trip in a state of disorientation, that would be my ideal experience. It awakens some sense of wonder, loosening the rigid connections of neural pathways and allowing me to experience my surroundings as more beautiful, fascinating, and profound.

I booked a 6:30am bus to the airport to catch my 9:40 flight out of Reykjavik, and I have to catch a different bus from my hostel before 6am to that bus stop, so I'm planning to accept my fate of being sleep deprived my first day in Dublin. But that's actually part of my master plan, as hopefully then I'll be so tired after two nights of minimal sleep (first on the airplane and then in Reykjavik) that that night I'll be able to sleep at an appropriate time, despite the fact that UK is eight hours ahead of the US and jet lag will be telling me it's 4pm at midnight. I once spent an entire first night in Europe wide awake, and have no desire to ever recreate that experience, so I'm determined to beat the jet lag at its own game.